Letter to a former tenant
You must be surprised to hear from me, Irene Spencer. It's not like we were friends or anything. I'm writing this note to thank you for subscribing to the Littlewoods (free) catalogue. They do have the most gorgeous collection of summer dresses. In the latest issue which came addressed to you, there's one in particular - in a lovely shade of pastel green with tiny blue flower prints - that I'm thinking of ordering. Oh, I do hope that you don't mind that I opened some of your correspondence.
In the first few months after moving here, I set your letters aside. But as time went by, it became clear that you were not coming back to collect your mail. Initially I thought of destroying them but there might have been something important that required attention. And indeed there was. There was a note (written in a menacing tone) from a debt collector. Apparently, you had ordered some books and never paid for them. It was followed by a court summons some time later. I don't think you will be interested in the details. Suffice to say that they gave up after a few more unsavoury threats.
But not all of your mail was bad. Your cousin 'Wally' (Wallace?) had sent you a postcard from Spain. It had a vulgar drawing on it. I didn't want to leave it lying around the house (I have small children, you see), so I tore it up. You aunt Mabel has been sending you Christmas cards every year and inviting you to join her for lunch on Boxing day. You must write to her and tell her that you have moved. There has also been an assortment of pamphlets and brochures offering everything from a clean garden to a set of sparkling white teeth to fixing you up with a nice date on Valentine's day.
Which reminds me, have you renewed your passport? Because there was an intimation from the Home Office of its impending expiration. By the way, I have told the credit card people that you are no longer interested in another card (I may have just added that you are migrating to Australia to get them off my back). There's still a couple of mailers from a charity for the homeless asking you for a donation. You are welcome to pick them up anytime you wish. You know where I live.